NYC = home sweet home

First of all, today my last post makes me angry. I'm going to leave it up because it's what I felt in the moment, and I know I'll feel again.

I realized last night, as I flew in over the lights of Brooklyn, knowing the geography, the cemetery, The Rockaways, each bridge, that New York City really feels like home. I felt like I was coming home, instead of leaving home. What does that mean?
I wasn't annoyed be pushed and shoved in the airport, getting slammed around by mid-western tourists at the baggage claim, or even waiting 20 min. in the taxi line. I was glad to be back in it. Even the cab driver getting lost was a comfort. Of course he doesn't know his way around South Williamsburg. But I do!

I felt a little surly and disoriented upon my return. But finally my boy came over and so obviously happy to see me. Just waiting for the socializing to be over so we could be alone. We just squeeze together as hard as we can, as close as we can. I can't think of a single thing that feels better. Not one.
In hindsight, it terrifies me. I'm in so far. I'm not sure I want to be. But I am. I want him. I want to possess him. And I want everyone to know. And I want him to feel exactly the same way. I want him to own me. Feel confident telling me what to do, and what not to do. Not that I'll obey. But I want him to tell me.

How fucked is that?

Lonesome xmas

I'm afraid Christmas has made me realize that I hate being single. Or even semi single.

I missed Andrew so much today. I think it was just the comfort having him that I missed. I haven't spent a Christmas with out him in 4 years. It made my heart hurt. Seeing all the couples, just having someone to cuddle with and have inside jokes. Someone who knows you inside and out.

I feel pathetic.

AW is soooo far from that. Why do I care? Why can't I be a strong independent tough woman? I feel helpless, weak and lonely. And angry! because of it.
I just want to feel that complete connectedness again. As smothering as it can be, I'm not sure it's worth the loss of comfort.

Will AW ever get there?
I have this sinking feeling that he won't. He told me he has a wall. I don't know if I'm tough enough to break it down. Or brave enough.

If you don't cry, it isn't love. If you don't cry, you just don't feel it deep enough.

God, I love The Magnetic Fields.

And I do cry, so I do mean love.

Office Christmas party was really a ruckus this year.
I think I did everything you are not supposed to do. I asked my supervisor to come to karaoke. I SANG karaoke. I danced to Gasolina in a way too short skirt. I got in screaming fight. I kissed girls.
Cripes.
Whatever. It was fun. And everyone knows I'm a spaz. Sigh.
AW says I'm a flirt. Double sigh. I know I am. And he knew that in the first place. I only flirt with my friends. And they know the schtick. Shyah.
Although Colin's hypocritical bullshit is NOT cool. He is goddamn manslut jealous bastard. I don't understand how his gf puts up with his shit. God, that pisses me off. He has been setting me up just to burn AW.
Well, I'm gonna be a demure little prude around him from now on. Fucker.

No Sleep in Brooklyn

Ever have one of those nights where you know you just aren't going to be able to sleep a bit without a Xanax?
I hate those nights.
I am pretty sure this is all being mostly instigated by my hormones. I had to take the "bad" BC pills this month b/c I ran out of the "good" ones and it was all I had for spares. Boy, now I remember why I switched.
I feel so bi-polar. Mostly just a constant low anxiety just under the surface of my forehead.
Goddamn it. I've been thinking about those stupid little kisses way too much. Good thing we are taking a forced break.
And snare drum shmare drum. Why can't he read my mind? Ha!
He was before Thursday. But right now, it really might be me.
How much time do I waste willing that goddamn phone to ring?

nothing is secret

Ok.
So I guess this blog is findable, in a way. God, I feel weird about that. I'm not sure I want Don Tapscott reading my blog. (Sorry Don). I feel like the life I describe on this thing isn't exactly "librarian" appropriate. Unless, he'll be interested in helping me publish the memoirs I intend to write from it... um, actually yeah, keep reading it...

Friday was spent killing brain cells while celebrating Jews and Christians. Our tree is hilarious. The menora almost burned the house down. Our apt. still smells like latka.
A 3am attempt at seduction was more than I could deal with. No I'm not in "love" with him. Good lord. However, I am committed enough to remain faithful. Even though kisses on my eyelids make me absolutely melt. Which of course he would know. I agree, we are frighteningly compatible and I won't deny a strong attraction, but again, the timing is just so bad.

Finally got to see AW on Sat. afternoon. Took a walk. Took a nap. He apologized, I of course forgave him. I'm so used to extremely open lines of communication that when they shut down I assume the worst.
He drummed on Saturday night. Then, finally, to bed...
The details of that are just to...intimate... for this blog.
The boy certainly got his memory back fast...

*

I need to chill the fuck out.
Why do some things trigger my anxiety so strongly? Vomiting due to an emotional response is one of the worst things I've experienced in a while.
My body responded beyond my control. Pretty frightening.

I'm ok with the dinner and meeting up. But I just need to be reassured. A vague txt at midnight saying your drunk and feeling bad does not allow me to relax.
Why would you let me down now? Now I just have to wait to hear what you have to say.

Amstel for Breakfast

There is so much on my mind right now.

On the way to work today, in the Union Square subway station, there was a choir singing into bottles of Amstel light. And drinking it. At 9:30 am. So strange.

Last night Jessi graduated from Sarah Lawrence. It was a very laid back and tiny ceremony. She was the only one receiving a MFA that attended. I felt so proud of her. It is quite upsetting that she is leaving tomorrow. Wine, potato chowder, cinnamon coffee, and a beer.

Then a call. "Wanna meet up somewhere, like your bed?" More than anything.

I was presumptuous. He had more to say. Nothing I haven't more or less heard. But he still needs to warn me. Why can't he separate "me" from "relationships". Yes, I understand being afraid. Anxious. But it's me! Not just some vague idea, but a real, living, breathing, hugging, and kissing girl! I can't control my vulnerability from increasing. It just happens. Neither can he. He has his wall. He thinks it will hurt me. Result in things ending, but after it's too late for me. Well, newsflash! It is already to late. He has the power to deeply wound me right now. It's terrifying, but sometimes so comforting. I trust him, I can't help it. I'm an idiot.

But then when he lets go. When he lets himself be in the moment, its one of the most intense emotional connections I've ever felt. I feel like nothing should scare us away from it.

Don't have a crush on me

There are very few who would join me for a SLA meeting discussion by Don Tapscott on the value of Wikis, blogs and Web 2.0 in libraries. There are very few I would even ask.
Ah, my new BFF. Same birthday, same nerdiness, same sense of humor, there are very few I've clicked with this fast and this much. Of course, to him it means we are meant to be. However, the timing was just off. I could see it working wonderfully. Although, we also may be too much alike.

But, I'm taken. Completely. How can three nights apart feel so lonesome?

On another note, this weather is terrifying. It's high 50s. Feels like April. How can I be even remotely in the Christmas spirit? Mostly I'm just anxious. The warm weather makes me feel wild, but the lack of light makes me tired. It's disconcerting. Basically, my concentration is just shot.

And on Friday, Jessi leaves Brooklyn. Off to start in on the domesticity. Not good. Not good at all.

Lately, I've been wishing I was smarter. Better able to learn and remember. More than anything I wish I had a photographic memory. I'd be happy to remember a name 10 seconds after meeting someone. Maybe I need to get some dumber friends.

Dinner party season

That does seem to be what it is.
Every weekend, at least two!
It's great!
Mine went fantastically. I of course stressed out to the max. Only to have too much food and plenty of time. sigh.
Japanese pancakes were much more stressful. It was a Madison reunion. AW definitely got sized up. Not sure I was ready for that. Andrew would have been there too, had I not warned him.
Can't even imagine how that would have gone. Oof.

AW finally got over "it". So now what? Where does that put us?It's possibly the most comfortable I've been with someone before. Which is wonderful. Since it's always awkward somehow. Now we just have to practice. :-)

Ode to Rage

Ah, rage. Where have you been? You came back so strong. So unfurled. Now, how often do you intend on enveloping me?
I love you and hate you. I feel so alive when I'm shaking with anger. But I also feel so unreachable, uncomprehended, outside of reality.

I have to feel something more intensely than you to push you away. My knuckles are bruised, my knee is strained, and my calves are throbbing. You left me panting and limp. Helpless, but so relieved.

And he didn't seem scared. Concerned, but not uncomfortable. He just let me get it out, and then let me fall asleep. He never told me calm down. Not once. By this, I know he understands. So very few do.

And the triggers? I think it's a build-up. I think I transfer sadness and disappointment into anger. It festers. Then the camel's back breaks, and I explode. It's such an intense inescapable feeling. Searching wildly for something to destroy. Like a crazed junkie. I try to hold onto reason, but if that energy is contained to long, I lose control.

Holiday shmoliday

The holiday season has smashed down upon NYC with a fury. I feel like I've got holiday related events scheduled every damn day until Christmas. The day before Thanksgiving, the whole city transformed into the fucking north pole. In one night!
Lights everywhere, stupid music, red and green. The Jews must get so annoyed by that shit. Ugh!
I have SO MUCH shopping to do and absolutely no inspiration (or money). I'm not sure where this scroogishness is coming from, but damn, I just wish it was still July.

Some things on my mind:

What makes you drink Jim Beam in your underwear at 1pm on a Wednesday afternoon? How can you not know?

Why, in the middle of kissing, do we discuss existential angst and atheism, and am I asked to summarize the complete philosophy of Kierkegaard?

Again with the hot librarian thing.

Why does it already feel stranger to be sleeping alone than with him?
Something upped the comfort level many notches. I don't what it was, but it feels really good.

Tonight will be interesting. It's been a long time. I hope I don't get sad.

Drama Rama

Ah
Had to change the blog name.
Can't trust everyone. Which I need to learn.
Friends? Or conveniences? Or Necessity?

Secrets = lies = drama. Seems almost on purpose. Like TV.
So I say, "No secrets!!" And I'm tag teamed. They "protect". I "betray". Interesting.
I do need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Always been a problem. But to me, betrayal means malicious intent. Which has never been the case!! Never! Forgetful? Air headed? yes.
But betrayal. Give me a break.

Not to even mention the hypocrisy. The secrets she has would blow the lid off her whole little world.

That leads me to think, there must be something more.
Which of course, is him.
Thought it would come back to bite me. He's worth it. More than worth it.

He was always removed from the falsity. He'd come for the parties, but not pretend to connect.
But we slammed together. And I never understood the strange dynamic. What are they all getting from each other? They can't even be honest.

Ah, now just wait. Let it simmer.

And honestly, in the end. Who gives a fuck?