Liking

Uncanny, his seemingly psychic ability. Addressing my fretting before I even have time to freak myself out very much.

Of course it's different than with her, but yes, I did need to hear it.

Will we get sick of kissing each other? I don't think so.

"I like you." "I like you too, kind of a lot."

Thankful

Thanksgiving started off in a half reality.
He stopped by for a 4am driving break. The timing and the chemicals in my brain made it seem like a dream. I'm still barely sure. 2 hours in his arms. I woke up alone, but with chapped lips.

Then I started my first holiday on my own. A gray wretched day. The trek to New Jersey was also surreal. The trains were desolate and moving so slow. Manhattan was deserted in the gray driving rain. I was overcome with a soul wrenching melancholy. I almost fell down it was so intense. The men alone on the street. Me alone, walking right past them. Down to the water. The gray waves were roiling in the wind. Directly reflecting the feeling in my guts. On the boat, I looked out the window at the broken teeth skyline of Manhattan. For the first time I knew why it's referred to as Gotham City. It struck me as so beautiful in its sadness. The city is so vast, but so many people are all alone here. The extent of human neglect was so noticeable on this day. As the tear rolled along my jaw, I felt my heart tense and harden the slightest amount. I don't believe it will re-soften again. On no Thanksgiving have I ever felt so thankful or so alone.

Neurotic

This one will be the death of me.

What I woke up to this morning on my phone:
"Extrenely drunk n we dont need to talk bout this but jst tlkd w pete n ian 4 a wile and i think you shldnt have to deal w my issues. seri6usiosy u dont deserv that and im sorry for it. Theses are my problems not your. For real you dnt need to respond i jst wantd to tell you this. Gonna sleep now."
My sleepy Xanaxed brain freaked out, assumed he was dumping me. Killed the anxiety with Adderall in order to get my piles of work done before the holiday.

He called. He apologized. Absolutely not dumping me. Just fretting. Feeling guilty about putting it on me, though it hasn't been that much yet.
The relief was a splash of euphoria. I want him even more. I'm attracted to his anxiety. I understand it so completely through living it.

God, I panicked so fast. That terrifies me.
***********************************************************************************
Especially after how good Philly was. Hand holding. Meeting his oldest friends. It was obviously a big deal, gauged by their reaction.
The filthy basement show. Sleeping on a hard wood floor.
I wish she wouldn't have fucked him up so bad.

Small details

Friday
Uniqlo
Tattoos and Graffiti
Whiskey
Pole dancers
A pink snake
The Ex GF
3 in the bed
The prescription

Saturday
Daniella's
sweet potatoes
The potluck
The WI boys
The Honey girl
The pepper :-(
The bellyache
STD Free!!!!!!
Birthday buddy/new friend!
Marijuana = no bellyache

Sunday
5 am is not too late.
10 hours in the bed.
Biscuits.
Dinner party
Come back to my bed.
His bellyache.

And tonight I go to Philly!!! In the van! With the band!!

Copiers

Dude
check this out
http://www.gawker.com/news/indie-rock/taxonomy-of-an-indie-rock-show-215597.php
two years ago I wrote this!
http://www.emmiemagazine.com/blogs/index.php?view=1109824367&blog=7#26

Not a band-aid

Is intense the only way things ever go down in this city? I have yet to connect with another person in a way that isn't somehow extremely so. Or is it me? Is that only way I can interact? Does intense=real?
I mean, in my mind, it does. If it's not gonna work out, we might as well smash ourselves together as hard as we can and find out right away.
But, at least I'm connecting. Something I heard might be impossible in this town. Everyone is on edge, no one puts them elves out there. Maybe that's what it is. I've starting laying myself bare right away. Showing my flaws immediately. No point in concealing them for later.

We are both worried about the other. Who will hurt who first? He can't trust or let himself care. I can't get off the defensive. We are both so damaged. But addicted. Are we setting ourselves up? Or trying to fix/heal each other. He doesn't judge me. I don't lie to him or pretend anything. I have NEVER started a relationship off this honestly. It feels so different. When I'm anxious, I just say it. And he does too. He wants to go back to being "innocent". Not hurt. But innocent = naive. I can't say I haven't learned from my painful experiences. And I wouldn't give up that knowledge so fast. Scars toughen you up. If you let them. Scabs are the dangerous things. They open back up and bleed. I doubt ours are scars yet. But if we are gentle and careful, I think we could keep the wounds closed and even help them scar over. Unless we are just band-aids...

I heart cheese

A short but sweet trip home.
$80 in a cab from Milwaukee to Madison. To see Leah (and her adorable secret boy), Mander seeming so heartbreakingly glum, Leeners whom I forget how much I miss, and Tim and his excellent hugs.
Russian dumplings at 1 am in the freezing cold. The Professor from Columbia with the vampire accent, and Sarah!!!!
Bye Bye Birdie.
Eating pie and petting donkeys. Joe saved the day again. No surprise.
Karaoke as Inga and Helga!
A marriage proposal from Travie, out to the blue. No chance. So selfish of him. He would have to do a lot of work to make me happy. A lot.

And Sunday night with Michi. The only time I relaxed. I miss him so dreadfully sometimes. We are never shy. He never judges. I love being transparent to him. One night of talking and cuddling is enough therapy for months.

My mind was yet preoccupied every second. This infatuation is intense and frightening. I can't think of anything else. I stare into space. I want to be left alone to focus on imagination. I don't want to read, or watch or listen. I want silence and my mind.

Even after that much build up, he is still even better in real life. My reaction to him is unprecedented. My body has never responded like this. I can barely focus on anything else but the recent memory of it.
And now everyone knows! No hiding anything! Such a relief.
Although I anticipate some sort of crash. We'll see...

Yes, I know you will read this.

I think in 10 years, if he doesn't marry Annie (or some other girl, of course), that I should marry Joe.
That's what I think. It would just work out perfectly. We would counter act each other. I would raise the number of chili peppers, and he would calm me down.

However, I still have a lot to do in 10 years.
And currently, I am falling hard. Which I knew would be the case once we slammed together.
Danger!
We are both so damaged right now. But we get it. The same feelings are still fresh enough in both our psyches.
Somehow everything else ceases to exist.