Clandestine Catalyst

One thing I've learned these last few months is that being direct and honest with people is the biggest source of relief in human communication. It's also one of the most difficult things. Honesty can be brutal. It's the honesty with yourself that is the hardest.

I was reaching my limit with V even though I adore him. And the way he handled it amplified that adoration. He simply understands. Knows I need to figure things out. Knew this day would come. Friends first and foremost. And I truly believe him. I was getting to comfortable, and sadly I can't handle that even though it feels so good.

Plus, of course, the clandestine catalyst. There before it ever began with V. HE was always the temptation. But not available. Maybe not even now. But neither am I. I just can't ignore my gut. Gotta go with it, no matter the complications.

My own personal Gawker Stalker!

I have seen to many celebs in the last week not write them down.

Laura from Project Runway right outside the office.
Allison from PR on the L train Monday morning.
Uma Thurman and her beautiful little boy coming out of ABC.
And then last night at the Armani party, Carry Lowell (I'll be in pics w/ her if they put them in magazines, at least my hair ha!). Christo and Jean Claude.
Richard Gere bailed. Sent Carry instead. Dang!

Blowing up in my face

I don't even know what to type, this situation has become so difficult.
Why do things turn so incestuous?

Why did I choose the wrong one in the first place? I knew it immediately. But couldn't stop myself.
I tried to break it off last night, and failed. It's going to break his heart after all, and I wasn't ready for that realization.
But the pull I feel toward AW is so strong sometimes that I can't ignore it. Especially Friday. We didn't ignore it. But we (he) didn't give in completely either. And so so we are left is a fugue state. Like the area between 2 magnets where the pin appears to float. Though really, it's being pushed and pulled so hard that the pressure is almost unbearable. Those hands felt far too right to ignore. More right.

Drugs and Alcohol

Been a while. Simply because I haven't had a spare second.

Leah came. She should be here. Not Seattle. The weekend was a haze. But fun, I know. So many people in the beds. My friends spilled over into my roommates bed even. Good sport.

I have never felt the type of raging sick jealousy that washes over me these last few days. He probably has. I don't know. He would never tell me. He never really expressed his pain or anger, which somehow I think I want. It's a primal, animalistic raging sickness. Nausea washes over me and I hyperventilate. Completely beyond rationale. I can't control the images in my mind. I'd rather be stabbed.
And then he lied. Manipulated. Tricked me. We obviously can't be in contact. I'm so far from being ok.
Not much has been completely distracting me from it either. Harder drugs, excessive alcohol, no sleep. Constant exhaustion can do wonders for your rage control.

On another note. Why don't we ever just go to bed? We stay up until 6 am. Exhaust ourselves. This desperation not to all leave each other until there is no choice but to all pass out in the same bed. It's so strange. Is it the age? New York? If we want to cuddle, have human contact, why can't we just admit it around 2am. Or even 4? Something to work on.

Fisticuffs.

Well, I punched a boy in the face last night. I wasn't sure if I still had it in me. It's been years.
He's got a black eye today.
Unfortunately he is a co-worker. Oops.

Also, I thoroughly enjoy very skinny rolled cigarettes.

The Wilds of Maine

Where to begin...Maine.
So quiet, I couldn't sleep.
So dark, I couldn't remember seeing.
Beautiful.

So relaxing that I had no choice.
Django. Hiking. Picking mussels. Drinking red wine and appleknockers. The food! Everything was so fresh, so natural. I broke a glass. I found a starfish.
And Martin. Reminding me of the value of true friends. Old friends. Just being able to sit silently, absorbed in our own thoughts. And when something pops in that needs to be expressed, that's fine. No background needed. I did so much thinking. Just having time to let my mind wander.
And Sara was right. It's the hardest thing. To be alone with your thoughts. Not distracted.
So much thinking. But I still don't know. Maybe never will. It takes a lifetime, they say. So then I can't help but say, so why bother?