Bit of Sun

California was wonderful. Coming back has not been.

+

I love him. No more question.
I adore his family, so far only Aunt and grandma.
We are perfectly compatible for traveling, which is an incredibly big deal.
Seeing Corey was great.
The beaches were beautiful.
We walked and walked and kissed and kissed.
Peas in a pod. Perfectly content to just be us. Biggest difference from being in NYC. Silence went unnoticed.


-

I love him.
Seeing Corey was also sad. He is so lonely.
I've been thinking about Andrew lately. In a way that that makes my heart ache. Remembering why I loved him. Perhaps, feeling that way again is triggering these (not old enough?) emotions.
I have had no heat or hot water since my return from L.A. a week ago. This has been causing me quite a bit of misery and distress.
AW has a wall I can't break through. I felt like it was weakened in L.A. but it seems to be back now that we are back in NYC.
I cried for the first time. Middle of Third Ave. He didn't run away. But I don't know if he understood.

Dis-concert

Long time.

I don't know why. Haven't felt like saying anything.
The doldrums of winter. I just want to sleep. It is finally cold. Which I hate.

Hard weekend.
Adderall + speed + coke + booze + insane pure THC marijuana = vomit for me.
Not good.
And that was just Friday.

Saturday was hard too. Art opening. Andrew. First time seeing him in 3 months. And I was so happy to see him. Our banter was the same. So easy. I still dearly love him, deep down, and of course. AW could see it. He left me there, he seemed to understand. It was such a strange flux between my old life and my new one. It was like a flash back to 2 years ago. Ivan played, I shook the tambourine, Andrew shook the maraca. It was, for 4 songs, my old life. Natalie and Andrew.

And AW's jealousy erupted. Though I didn't do a thing, he was annoyed with me for what he imagined I was doing. Even though it was him not returning to Brooklyn til 3AM. I would have been in bed hours before. That's a problem. And then he has dinner with HER last night. A birthday dinner. Today he turns 25.

And in 2 days we fly to L.A.