New Blog

http://natthelibrarian.wordpress.com/

Perspective

Wowser.

Looking back at old posts on here is crazy! I am crazy! Sheesh. I feel so much older now even though so much of it isn't more than a couple of years old. I guess at this time in life every year makes a big difference, age-wise.

Things are so outwardly stable. Asa and I, going strong. Library School. Still employed.
So much has changed, but so much is the same.
Best friends are married.
Asa's Grad School is almost over and mine has just begun.
I'm still at the same desk in the same glass box from 9-5.
In the same City that I love to be tortured by.
Andrew's girlfriend...works here too.
He and I can't communicate anymore.
There are still twinges, but I'm rarely overwhelmed anymore.

I still want more with Asa...though he has bluntly explained that he is madly in love with me and has never felt this way with anyone. Why do I still doubt? Maybe because it took so long to break through his wall, his guard...and he is content with so much less than me.

Meh.
I want to start blogging more again. Gonna try.

I can do no right.

It's true.

I am le fuck up royale.

Self pitying too, of course.

Can't they invent a pill for this?

Unbalance.

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I attack the people I love the most?
Always.

It doesn't make any sense. Is it deliberate subconscious sabotage?
I love him dearly. Why would I do that?

I have to fucking stop being so angry. I'm not really sure where it comes from. I do know he will listen to me if I want to try to figure it out. But I have to quit being so mean. I HAVE to. I'm going to fuck this up forever, and soon, otherwise.

All he asks, and has ever asked, was for the Golden Rule. Why don't I hold myself to it?

He is emotional too. Under that tough, stoic exterior, there is so much going on. And I USED to be so aware of that. So sensitive to it. What happened? Why is it all about me all of a sudden?

He loves me. I have nothing to worry about other than myself fucking it up.
You don't treat people you love that way. He's right.

Doubt

"Well, that's pretty far into the future to be worried about, I mean, like a year and half.
And I sure don't see myself ever living in North Carolina. Besides, I may even be at Columbia for 3 years."

This really knocked out my wind a little. Why? I don't know. It's true. It's only been 6 months.
Why am I fretting? I want to think about the future. I want him to see me in his. He says, "you'll be able to buy a house some day, don't worry. Plus, you'll most likely have 'a partner' to help you." What?
A partner? Implying not him. His stock certainly isn't in us. Why do I have the urge to be settled all of a sudden. Getting married(!!?!!), moving somewhere calm, taking up learning again, and doing, and helping instead of just flinging from thing to thing with out being able to plan more than two hours in advance. Why does this sound so wonderful now?
Did I blow my chance for this? I know AB feels the same. I know he would.
Why do I think like this?

Oh, and my neuroticism. Yes, it's finally coming out to him. I'm finally comfortable enough (ironically) to let him see my anxiety. And he says, "I never would have thought you were this neurotic when we first started dating." No shit. You never would have put up with it.

It's so sad. Do you ever REALLY know someone. Is there anyone who's ever known EVERYTHING? That I didn't have something I was hiding from them. Some little thing, that I knew they would disapprove of, or be afraid of? I'm afraid not. It's easy. "Well, it's just this little detail, they don't need to know. It will just upset them." But now I'm not so sure.

Chicken Chaser.

Wow
What an amazing weekend. Ithaca is beautiful. I'm going to want to go every other weekend.
The difference in meeting his fam from ABs was like day and night.
They were so unassuming. Loved me right away (I think). I felt so comfortable.
Very odd bunch, but in a good way. I have no idea how he got to be so quiet, so self conscious. He is so loved. They all adore him. Desperate for attention from him. Just how I feel sometimes.

Yesterday's bbq was insane as well. A huge mansion. Pool. Peacocks. Chickens! Frogs! It was heaven. Asa said he had never seen me as graceful as when I was chasing that hen. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think he sort of "gets it" about me and chickens now.

I adore him so much. It just keeps getting better. I swear I'd marry the kid right now and move to the country and start having babies if he said the word. Dear Lord.

Happy

I discovered a new thing I love about New York City today.
I love it before 8am on a weekday. Even Bushwick looks beautiful in the pale post sunrise yellow. The air feels different, like it hasn't gone through thousands of lungs yet.
Seriously, would it kill be to get up before 7 every once in a while?

I also love iced coffee. And the first tiny, sweet, strawberries of the season. Both of which I was so easily able to procure at this early hour.

I also love Three Day Weekends. And I think I'm going to love Ithaca too.