Springing!

Almost almost, winter is almost done!

So much to say. Too much.

Temsy is here. That is strange. It's been so long. But she's here, and I think it's great.

I'm moving in mid-May. I don't know if it's the right decision, but it feels like it in my gut.
Crown Heights. With Kip. A huge beautiful apartment.

Some passive aggression from current roommates. But they are leaving too, so I don't see the problem.

Andrew popping up here an there. I had Jack for a 10 days which was wonderful. Andrew and I saw a ballet, Edward Scissorhands, which may have been too much.

Things stable with AW. I still haven't told him. So close. But then I doubt myself. Why is that?

He still forgets about me. I don't like that. But it's so subtle I don't know how to address it.
"Hey Lex, I'm at a bar" not "Hey Lex, I'm at a bar with N."
or
picks up a beer, but only one. Small little things. Maybe I think about him to much. Consider him too much. I don't know. Maybe I care more than him. It's a giant fault/fear/anxiety of mine.

Going to WI next week. Hope to relax. Then Scandinavia in a few weeks. Underbar!

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What was I thinking? I wasn't.
I was protecting.
Him I thought, but really it was me.
All he wants is complete honesty. Why is that so difficult for me?
Why am I falling back into old habits?
He is so perceptive. And so scared. He wants to trust me so much.
And then I make it even harder. Not by lying, but not being quite honest.
Disappointment is the worst feeling, and the fact that I caused it for him breaks my heart.

Equal. That's all he requests. Think about how he would feel, act accordingly. That's what he does for me. And I know that.

Am I willing to truly give up the last dregs of singledom? It's not freedom I'm giving up, not at all. It's something different. It's flirtation. It's teasing. It's the ego-boosts.
He really makes me confront my flaws, my selfishness. It hurts. But it makes me love him. He wants me to be perfect for him, I think. And I desperately want to be. He pushes me. I love it, I hate it. It's so hard.

He told me he trusts me. He promised.