25

Ah, survived the great quarter century birthday weekend. Barely.
It got off to such an anxious start.

I don't know why I kissed back, instead of pushed away. Sadly, it was reflexive, and the photo was snapped right then. I was just a prop. But not to AW. It struck such a nerve. I was sure it was over. Such a bad night. No sleep. So much worry. The roiled stomach in the morning on the snowy walk through Chelsea. But he calmed. Thought it through, forgave and then some.
Now it's better than ever! "This is my girlfriend..." Our first fight. Sigh.

Drunk as Fuck birthday! I stayed in control. Like I knew I would. So much fun. One fight. Some eyeliner on the boys. A sleep over.

Saturday I was in bed til 4. Then birthday buddy dinner with Ricky. And then the uber-hipster party in Greenpoint. Andrew would have loved it. I wanted to leave. Ma boy came to the rescue.

My fabulous dinner at Laura's was great. Some wine, some cake, some crying.
A year ago, I would never have imagined this was my life. I have so many dear dear friends.
And such a dear dear boy.

My mid-mid twenties. Great.

MLK Michi Maciek weekend!

Gonna be another cryptic description of the last week.

Thursday
Rush to the galleries
A new, more fun crowd this time.
Rush home! Michi is on the stoop!
Galapagos, Union Pool, joint on the roof, bed.

Friday
Dinner party.
I'm thoroughly impressed. So much fun.
Caught in the act
Union Pool again.
Maciek!
Nothing has changed, such a wonderful thing sometimes.
We crash the roommates coke party and wind down the night.

Saturday
Spent waiting around.
Finally, off to Grimaldi's.
Then Union Hall.
A slowish night.

Sunday
More waiting.
Finally, a wonderful brunch.
A bit of football. (ugh).
A walk to Greenpoint.
Whiskey in Polish.
Hot toddies.
Michi hits the road.
Off to AW's loft.
Temu lived there! With bedbugs! Eeeiiiiiii.
Lex and the Australians make it a party.
Fine, I'll get drunk.
Send Maciek off into the night.
Lex spies again.
Maybe we don't care...

Monday
He goes to his March.
I ditch my bike once and for all.
I feel a cold.
We go shopping. Still don't have the pants.
Hot soup, ginger tea, soothing bookstore.
Then a chill night. Movie, more tea, lots of cuddling.
Best day of the weekend.

Now I have a terrible cold. And a big party to host in two days.
Sigh. I'm sick of winter (as much winter as it's been).
I need daylight.

Spoke with AB twice in three days. For the first time in a couple of months.
Was good. Jovial.
He saw Charlie in SoHo before Christmas. How strange/sad/amusing.
He seems to now live in Boston, engaged. Not surprised.

I need cough syrup.

January 6, Sunny, 72 degrees

This weekend was pretty great. And all the fun happened during the daylight hours for a change!

Friday night started off perfect; red wine/bad movie/my bed. Then unfortunately got convinced to go out. Body lines are the new body shots.

LES is such a shithole on weekends. Always makes me grumpy. Then the bellyache came and there is nothing I can do when I get them. I just have to wait. Hard to pretend having fun. Finally, home, hit by sleep so fast.

Saturday was like a vacation. Shorts and a t-shirt and still sweating! Brunch in Ft. Greene. Outside! Too bad about the raw eggs. Then a long walk to the park. Muddy boys, showing off.
Lex is obsessed with us. Such an odd boy. Charmer, but a child.
Buy a new shirt so we can go to the museum. I am so scruffy and dirty, he loves it. Can't keep his hands off me. Art is amazing. Liebowitz gives me goosebumps, both horrified and euphoric.

We split with the finding of a lost cell phone. I am exhausted in a wonderful way. Opt to stay in and sleep. A little anxious because I know why he didn't invite me to the bar.

Sunday brunch with Jane and Steve. Finally up early enough for my organic egg and cheese biscuit. All I hoped and dreamed. We say hi to every dog on Bedford Ave.
Then ice skating at Bryant Park with Ricky. It's packed, but worth it. My stomach got the biggest workout from laughing. Sore legs today!

Back home for some beers and Taboo. AW is having dinner with her, but assures it won't be like last time. He'll come over after.
Still, I'm anxious and drink too much. Sunday replaces my Saturday.
He does come though. And is so lovey. Ricky, however, starts losing control. Finally, I just have to leave the room because of the tension I'm imagining. Bed time.

He tells me so much. How he loves when it's just us. How he feels bad about being timid toward our relationship and our "togetherness". I have questions, but I'm too anxious to ask them.
How one night apart feels like a lot.
I'm trying to check myself and not feel it without him, or think it. But it's edging in. Bit by bit.
Little things make me catch my breath.

Silence is becoming comfortable. A gaze doesn't incite shyness. I'm more and more uncensored because I know I won't offend him. Control is being lost.

Left Coast!

Omg!

We are going to L.A. on Valentine's Day! Omg, omg, omg!
The implications of this are extensive and wonderful!

I am so excited that I've had butterflies for 36 hours straight! I hope they don't last for a month and half!

Only in NYC

JFC!

http://www.amny.com/news/local/newyork/am-subway0102,0,1267185.story?coll=am-topheadlines

In with a bang

2007...

3: Dinner at Laura's w/ AW. Then to the show in BK. Then on to the party at Dojo. Stayed out waaaaay to late for a school nite. Made a new friend though, no matter how suspicious the circumstances. Laurra the Latina lova!

2: Drinks begin at 3:30pm. On to sake and talky with Adam. Then red wine, cocaine (not to mention Adderall, Xanax and Valium, god LA is a pharmacy), Limewire and House MD with Ricky. More behaved, but not back to normal. Meet AW on Williamsburg bridge at 1:30 am. An early night for us. I fall a bit more.

1: 3 hour walk through Greenpoint with Steve. Store is closed, but we don't care. Night begins with nothing to do. End up going to LES with Mike P. Meet Laura. Then AW comes too. Too many drugs, but not for me. On to Sarah and karaoke. It's 4am!!
"Yeah, we were up until 7am."
"Omg, having sex?"
"No, discussing evolutionary psychology."
I fall even further. Intelligence is such a turn on.

Happy New Year!!!!
He wants me with him all night.
Watching "It's a Wonderful Life" with Steve and hard crying for 20 min. before going out is NOT the best decision. Makes me love Steve more though.
Arrive at Damali's. The drama begins. Carolyn gives me the alpha female ice. Though I'm so warm and truly glad to finally meet her. Immediately put my guard up. I think AW feels it. On to the party. Why do I feel so sober?
Everyone kisses. It's the next year.
"Can we leave, like now"
"Ok, what's up"
"I just want to leave."
She propositioned him! Knowing damn well who I am, and that we are together! WTF?! She's in a long term relationship with another woman on the other side of the country! Pathetic bitch. She's gonna have to get her cock somewhere else. What's with these dykes always moving in on my man! This is the third time in as many months. I get edgy. Cocaine and vibes like that are bad bad combo. We head to Bushwick amidst pleas to go to Manhattan.
Everyone is puking or unconscious. It's only 1:30am!!!
Party hopping in the loft. More drugs. I won't take the pills. Phen-fen? wtf?
Bed time disrupted by Ryan and Lex mobbing us with the camera.
And then dropping wet and naked from the ceiling! We are naked too! I scream, they laugh! We are not having a 4-some!!!!!
Finally, get rid of them!
Wake up to rain, free coffee and bagels.
Take a little break, then a nice calm night.
I have fallen soooooooo far.